Still Fat on the Inside

“Reject the the philosophy that is causing you to fail, or you will never succeed” (loose quote of business leader Claude Hamilton).

It’s been seven months since I committed to losing weight.  Wonder of wonders, it actually worked and I am sitting here on a smaller butt than I was in March.

And it’s been five months since I began running.  Tomorrow I’ll run 10K for the first time.  The other day, my sister made an off-handed comment about ‘yeah, but you’re in shape’ and I went ‘ha ha… oh.’  I guess anyone who can run ten kilometres can be vaguely construed as in shape.  I’ve never, ever been in that category.

But am I really a different person?

January 2014

September 2014

Most days I don’t eat sugar, and I eat my veggies and my flax and my sweet potato fries.  I like eating that way.  I feel good.

But then the next day I have unbearable cravings and I polish off a bag of chips.  I did that yesterday, and afterward I was like “why the heck did I do that?”  I know that about halfway through I’ll stop enjoying them, but the hand will keep going to the mouth just because… because why?  I don’t know.  I can’t seem to stop it.

A lot of things have changed, but some key things haven’t.  I still love food far, far too much.  If anything, it seems to take a more integral part of my life because now it is all about timing my meals to get optimum energy, and obsessing over if something has too many carbs or not enough, and feeling guilty every time I eat pumpkin pie at a family gathering.

I did that when I was fat, too.

I’m not talking about body image.  I like my body, thank you very much.  I’m talking about freedom.

At the time of writing, I am almost twenty-four hours into a day of prayer and fasting.  No food.  For those who’ve never fasted, it isn’t that bad.  For me it is almost entirely psychological.  I hate to not eat.  I hate the dull ache in my stomach.  I hate having nothing to munch.  I even miss cooking… kind of.

It took me days to talk myself into doing this.  I’ve fasted before.  Last time I spent all day fantasizing about food, until at about half way into my late shift, I got dizzy and had to break the fast early.  Today my work day was too busy to allow time for daydreaming, but now that I’m home, I’m considering padlocking the fridge and throwing the key off the balcony.

But I want to be free.  I want to be free of my external weight AND this internal weight.  I want the food monster to stop dogging my step all the way around the grocery store.  Food was supposed to be one of the most innocent of pleasures.  What happened?  So it seems right to give up eating while praying about freedom from food.

At midnight National Novel Writing Month begins.  I’m going to stay up, have an omelet and begin my next novel.  I don’t expect to be free in an instant, but tomorrow will be a new day, a new month, and a new chance.

 

Connections Between Food and Love

Is there really a connection between food and love?

I’m reading The Amazing Connection Between Food and Love, by Gary Smalley—not the kind of book you expect to be sucked into, but I was. My relationship with food has been love/hate since my teens and, though in the last four months I’ve had some major victories, I’m still seeing the emotional and physical affects of my dietary choices.

Smalley describes this cycle: Food affects our emotional health>Emotional health affects our relationships>Relationships affect physical health>Emotional/physical health affect our food choices—which affects our emotional health, and on it goes.

I considered myself a ‘food addict.’ I thought about food all day, I overate regularly, and if there was a table of sweets or snacks to be had, I’d eat like it was a contest. I couldn’t stop myself.

My Mom always fed us square, nutritious meals and we were a long ways from a convenience store, so as a kid I rarely had access to chips or candy. But when I moved out and into town, a bag of Doritos was only a five-minute walk away. And when I’d spent all day at work salivating over the thought, what could stop me from getting them?

I told myself I wasn’t massive, and my muscular frame seemed to hide that I was well over two-hundred pounds, but I knew I was overweight and I was ashamed of it. When I bought chips, I’d eat them when my sister wasn’t home and then hide them when she was around. I’d try to stuff the pizza box deep into the recycling.

‘Something’s wrong with me,’ I’d say. ‘I’m such a loser. I’ve got no self-control.’

Though working on my feet and travelling by bicycle kept me from gaining weight too fast, the constant cycle of dreaming of food, giving in and eating, and then guilt-tripping, was taking its toll. I wanted to feel like a winner.

Looking back, I believe I was an emotional eater—food was a reward, comfort, or entertainment. This set up a cycle of eating to feel better, being guilty and making myself sad, and then eating again to feel better. Plus, those foods I ate were the very sort that make the body want more: highly processed carbs, sugar and chemicals.

Did this take a toll on my relationships?

Certainly extra weight, acne (which went away when I cleaned up my diet), and failed attempts to lose weight, eroded my self-confidence. Teens have enough confusion as it is, but I was under the delusion that because I was chubby and had acne, I wasn’t good enough to be friends with the ‘pretty’ girls, and certainly not ‘girlfriend material’ for the guys. How many relationships did I miss out on because of my poor self-esteem?  Oh, if I could give my current confidence to my thirteen-year-old self.

I’m a moody person, and cleaning up my diet has only alleviated this slightly. In my mid-teens I went through a period of extreme mood swings. I’d be happy one moment, and then so irritable that no one could stand beside me because their breathing got on my nerves. My hormones were out of balance, causing issues with my menstrual cycle and causing me to sprout hair on my chin like a boy that age would.

The doctor told me I needed to lose weight and I scoffed but I did it. After a month of eating 7-8 servings of fruit and veggies a day and limiting other foods, my cycle normalized. Supplements took care of my mood-swings. I slimmed down just in time to fit into my grad dress.

What kind of pain did I cause my family because of my mood swings? Was my diet at fault?

I think it’s common knowledge that when we’re hungry, we’re tired and grumpy.  Still, it wasn’t until a few months ago that I began to truly associate food and mood.  Some of you may remember me posting about how depressed I was, coupled with a photo of me making a breakfast sandwich at 1:00 am.

My funk probably wasn’t caused by food, but I wasn’t helping it any either.

I’m still a definite foodie. I ‘have’ to enjoy my food, or I see no point in it. So, though I eat sugar free, low carb, high-protein and lots of whole foods, I still think about food several times a day. If chips are put in front of me, I still can’t say no, but if I think about buying snacks I usually say “I’ll have some on the weekend,” and when the time comes, I often don’t buy them. I still feel the need to hide junk food, but I try to make myself own up to it, and tell my Mom or sister that I had pizza on Friday night. I want to enjoy the occasional treat without shame. I guess it will take some time to work out of the old, harmful, emotional habits.

After four months of this lifestyle (read about Trim Healthy Mama here and here), I’ve seen victories beget victories. I began by controlling what I ate. After I started losing weight, I decided to try working out, and realized that I enjoyed it (the benefits at least). Now I have dreams of running a 5k race. My body confidence is higher, and my pant-size is lower but most of all, I know I can do what I say I will do. I’ve built trust with myself. No doubt, that will improve my relationships.

I plan to explore this topic further as I continue reading the book.  What do you think?  What connections between food, love and relationships have you seen in your life?

Trim Healthy What?

Subtitled “What’s that thing you’re doing, Geralyn?” 

It’s been more than a month now, so I suppose it’s time to own up. I’m trying to lose weight.

I wanted to make good and sure that I was doing this before I put it on the blog, after all, it seems every week I meet someone who says, “I read your blog.” It still gives me a mini heart attack every time, and I stand there wondering “what do you know about me?”

People have been asking “what are you doing?” and I’ve been yapping–probably too much. It’s time to give y’all an explanation.

The What
It’s called Trim Healthy Mama. Authors Serene Allison and Pearl Barrett are both moms of big families who have a passion for healthy living, and in their book they share the ‘boiling down’ of years of learning.

The basics: a low-glycemic (that means it has a low impact on blood sugar levels) diet that separates high carb from high fat so that the body can burn off the fuel you give it without storing any. If I am eating a higher fat meal, i.e. something creamy or cheesy, it will contain almost no carbs. If I am eating something with more carbs (and these carbs are carefully chosen to not spike blood sugar), the meal will contain no more than one teaspoon of fat.

Oh yeah, and sugar is not allowed.

What has this meant for me? It means that I haven’t eaten sugar, regular bread, potatoes, white rice or pasta, or milk for five weeks (with a few exceptions when away from home). My protein intake has about doubled, and I am eating more healthy fats, like coconut oil, flax seed, and natural peanut butter. Nothing too weird, nothing especially ‘diety’—no prepackaged food. Most of what I eat is good, solid, whole foods.

I thought giving up sugar might cause some sort of withdrawal, but it didn’t. I really don’t miss it. The stevia powder I’m using has almost no aftertaste, and I feel good knowing that the lemonade I’m chugging is hydrating me, not filling me up with sugar. Just to be clear (because I’ve already received a lot of well-meaning advice), honey, raw sugar and agave nectar are good for you, but they are not low-glycemic and I’m not open to using them.

The book isn’t just about eating. It gives suggestions on short, high intensity workouts that are easy to fit into the day. I’ve incorporated this into my life, as of Friday. My motto has always been ‘me no work out’, so this is truly amazing!

The Why
Why would I do this?  Well, I needed to do something drastic.

Prior to this, I ate to a decent degree of health, but moderation wasn’t my strong suite. If the food was good, I’d keep eating—especially if it was salty and full of carbs. Worse, I craved junk food almost constantly. The cravings were unbearable, and when I’d finally give in to them I’d feel like a complete loser. This went on and on. I thought I was an addict. I thought something was wrong with me.

Two of my friends were doing this thing called “Trim Healthy Mama.” I knew a bit about Serene and Pearl through a magazine called Above Rubies, and I knew they were pretty ‘nutty’ about health, so I dismissed it.

Cue a little thing called “My Fitness Pal.” It’s an app that tracks your caloric intake for the day. I got an accurate picture of what I was eating, and I tried so hard to change. But I couldn’t do it. I hated it. I just wanted the freedom to eat when I was hungry and enjoy what I was eating.

Meanwhile, my friends were having results, and posting things on Facebook about the awesome things they were eating. After a bit of research, I bought Trim Healthy Mama and decided that I’d start off slow.

My friend assured me that this diet would help me with my cravings. Then, just a few pages into the book, it started describing problems like adult acne and mood swings, and I said “if you can cure me of this, I’ll love you forever.” That was it. I was in, and in with both feet.

It’s been five weeks, and I’m cautiously optimistic. I’ve lost about eleven pounds. I’ve seen a slight improvement in my complexion, and a definite rise in energy levels. I’ve yet to see my mood swings improve, but I’m hopeful that I will find a remedy. I’m still a bit concerned that I spend too much time thinking about food. But I’ve realized that I enjoy food more now, because I know what’s going down my gullet is good for me. That’s all I wanted, really. Food free from guilt.

Oh, and I tracked my eating on My Fitness Pal yesterday.  I spent all day feeling almost over-full, and I was WELL under my caloric limit for the day. 🙂

Find out more at trimhealthymama.com.

An aside: many of those who I’ve talked to about my new style of eating immediately start justifying why they are not eating this way.  Please don’t feel you have to do so.  While I am passionate about my new lifestyle, I know that there are many ways to be healthy.  Do what is right for your own lifestyle!