“Why are there so many people here?”
That was early January in the gym, as I pounded away on the treadmill and grew increasingly annoyed by the chatter around me.
Oh yeah, January–resolutions and such.
I confess that as I watched two pretty, thin girls do five or six reps on each machine and then complain how hard it was, I killed myself laughing on the inside. I’m a little chunky, but I’m in a heck of a lot better shape than those barbie dolls. But after I stopped laughing, I felt guilty. Judgement is pretty rich coming from me. I spent the summer daring anyone who passed me to laugh as I panted and wheezed through Couch to 5K. Now I’m thinner and can run farther, but I still probably look like I’m going to die when I jump off the treadmill.
I hope to heck those girls don’t quit. I hope they can push past the pain and actually get in shape. Not to look better–like I said, they were both beautiful girls–but to become strong in body and mind, and to prove to themselves they can keep their promises to themselves.
I still can’t pinpoint what is the difference between a kept New Year’s resolution and one that dies in the womb. Why did I actually lose weight last year, when every other time I failed? Why am I motivated to run, when I always used to say ‘me no work out’? Because I can’t say ‘here is the cure’, I can’t judge the people who start, and then quit after a few weeks. It wasn’t a physical thing, because I don’t think I’m designed to run. Too short, too thick. I’m predisposed to be addicted to sugar, flour, any kind of crap food. I should still be fat.
I worked really hard–I do work hard–but maybe I’m also very, very blessed.
I mentioned that I had a whole list of New Year’s Resolutions. Well, when I made them I forgot that January is historically when I have a bout of seasonal depression. This year was no exception, with added anxiety and chest pain. I feel like I’m pulling out of it faster than last year, but in the meantime I’ve gone into survival mode. Hence almost no blogging, less running. Less of everything, except maybe sleep. Like I said to my sister today after an aborted 10K, you have to learn to listen to your body. I’m no good at that. But Sons of Earth, my next novel, is on schedule, and I have many months yet to get in fighting shape for my half-marathon (the big resolution of the year). I’m not ahead, but I’m still on track.
Each day is a new day. If your resolutions have all been broken, I encourage you to take stock of what’s important, and try again, and again, and again.
2 thoughts on “Judgement is Rich Coming From Me”
Ah, seasonal depression. I’ve always struggled with knowing when it’s with me and the guilt of knowing exactly what to do about it but not being able to find the motivation to actually do those things. I’m so sorry you’re there, too.
This year is my first time avoiding it in years. The sun and Deep South weather get full credit — I’m outside exercising under the sun several hours a week and, wow!, does it make a difference. I’m definitely picking up a sun lamp when we move back north.
Keep up the hard work on the treadmill! It will be spring before you know it!
Seems every time i sit still, or pray, i go ‘oh God, i can’t wait till summer.’ But the weather has been great lately, and i’ve enjoyed a few outdoor runs.
Thanks for the encouraging comment!